Descriptions of my walk with God and how he has took me into his careful arms
Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger, Hey ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another, Hey unloving I will love you. — Underoath, Some Will Seek Forgiveness Others Escape
Like most before they have come to know Christ, in the words of George Fox, “I was shut up under all … my troubles, my sorrows, and my temptations were so great, that I thought many times I should have despaired” I had not yet resigned to the one capable of leading me out of darkness and temptation.
For a period of time, I was blind to the fact that my insistence on relying on my own understandings of the world around me and my own perceived superiority of myself was leading me further down into the pit. Retroactively looking back into my memories, it is not hard to see that I had been consistently rebuked due to this insistence, yet I was not hearing it. I hungered for a turning from sin and eagerly searched for what may help on that path.
As I continued looking for what could pull me from sin, I stumbled across the teachings of George Ivanovich Gurdjieff. Gurdjieff taught that we were able to achieve an awakening of hour human state by working on the “four centers” of ourselves, I tried to follow in this for a time, this is what Gurdjieff called “the work” and it’s to be a lifelong pursuit of continuous improvement in which we train ourselves to separate from our consciousness and enter into a true consciousness of non-identification. Unfortunately, this pursuit proved to not bring good fruits, this approach to spiritual enlightenment for the sake of “waking up” is once again, just relying on ones own understanding. This method taught that there was an innate part of us that is higher that we simply need to connect to. The more I look back on Gurdjieff the more I understand that this is just another way of identification with the world, albeit a more obscured version.
There were various other practices and beliefs that Gurdjieff taught, most known being the assortment of everything in the world into hydrogen tables, astrology, questionable and abusive methods of teaching, erratic behaviors, and embezzlement. Gurdjieff and his system claimed to bring one to the true holiness yet he was not holy. There are however two practices that he taught which are credible and somewhat familiar, but not quite Truth.
Gurdjieff would hold “meetings” in which all members would gather into this state of connection to their separated self and they would wait in silence, sometimes for hours, until there was something they felt that was being conveyed to the deepest most inward parts of themselves. Gurdjieff would also perform “stop exercises” which were periods of time where everyone would physically stop, settle into stillness, and observe what their chained sleeping vessel was doing at that time, whether or not he got this stillness and gathered practice from the Friends, I do not know, but Gurdjieff was no stranger to latching onto “ancient spiritual practice” that only he himself could find around the entire world.
I of course have my disagreements with Gurdjieff now, and his results were hardly fruitful, one was not actually giving up anything of the world in his approach although they all claimed to not be of the world. But I did see a merit in this state of waiting. Gurdjieff himself and some of his followers such as Maurice Nicoll taught that this was the true Christianity while simultaneously throwing out many of the solidly christian beliefs. Even in this state, I feel that Christ had been tugging at my arm trying to lead me into true fellowship with him and take me under his care as a pupil the stillness itself is what put me in the position to accept that there was more to Christ than him simply being a “good teacher” or exalted man who worked hard enough to attain his position. No, Christ had a true divinity.
I knew at this point that the truly grounded faith required Christ, and it required direct experience with him. Maurice Nicoll had introduced me to the much older practices of contemplative prayer and worship that the prophets, apostles, desert fathers, and some medieval monks had practiced. I left the Gurdjieffian practices in favor of this direct experience with Christ and resting in his presence. I had read The Cloud of Unknowing which is an anonymously written guide from the 14th century to praying and contemplating Christ. This kind of prayer is also called “centering prayer” which I suspect the Quaker term “centering down” may be related to.
As I went further down this path I discovered the man named Jacob Boehme, a Lutheran mystic whom the early Quaker leaders had some knowledge of. Boehme himself followed a theology centered mostly on direct revelation inwardly. There were many other points in Boehme’s theology that I couldn’t wrap my head around, but the early Friends did find value in his writings and they had an influence on both Fox and Nayler. And it seems that they may have agreed on many core principles, although they greatly matured those principles into a blossoming faith of simplicity.
The Quakers did not teach that they had to add layers onto the gospel or come up with ways to over-rationalize the divinity of Christ, they understood that truly being in communion with Christ led to simplicity in all things, in how we preach, how we dress, the words we speak, and our actions. There is none other than Christ that we have to rely on, he is our prophet, priest, and king.
A faith led by Christ allows the human being to take his rightful place, underneath and in subordination to Christ, a place that we are much better suited for. We have to stop pretending to be God, we have to see that we are helpless and that we are not to rely on our own understandings. The simplicity of the gospel preached by Fox and other early friends was one that laid the man directly at the feet of Christ to be taught by the Lord himself.
There is no need for mediators, there is no need for sacraments, we do not have to pretend before God. The Spirit of the Lord has such a refreshing power to it that we need not do anything but put ourselves in a position to obey and hear his Word. His Spirit has poured out entirely onto the world, and with that those who accept it are transformed. Christ himself has the power to lead us out of our sins now, and to assume any less is to undermine the power of his Spirit.
I was eager to get myself to a Quaker meeting, I understood some of the differences between branches and knew that I most definitely would not fit in with the pastoral and evangelical Friends. The closest and largest meeting was a liberal meeting in the city, so I went a few times. I heard the ministry of Friends there and talked briefly with others before and after worship, I was again most drawn to their library which had many foundational Quaker works and some pendle hill pamphlets. Yet this did not seem to be where I belonged, the ministry was not Christ focused, many attenders diminished Christ to a mere teacher and did not have faith in the gospel. There was no call to inward transformation, this was instead a meditation group with the occasional well thought out prepared message related to current events. I did not feel called to go back after the first couple of visits and I returned to isolated spiritual practice.
Faith does not flourish in solitude. Christ tells us to fellowship for this very reason, it keeps us knit together in love. I had to find somewhere to go. I was previously unaware in my searching for a meeting and did not know there was a conservative friends meetinghouse roughly the same distance from the liberal meetinghouse in the city, I knew I had to make my visit.
On my first visit it was immediately clear that these are Christ’s followers, ministry given was regarding the seed that many early friends had spoken about including Nayler who had resonated with my condition greatly. There was a presence of God and loving fellowship here that I had not felt before that point. I had not stopped going back. I travel every first and fifth day, and when it is not possible to drive I worship remotely.
I no longer deliberately complicate my life with twists and perversions of the gospel, there is a simplicity that I have found through placing trust in Christ to teach me. There is none other than Christ whom I should put my trust into. He will teach us and makes that known to us through the holy scriptures. Discovering a solid foundation to stand on has been monumental to my spiritual well-being, but the work is never done. Communion with Christ is entering into workmanship with him and I am eager to obey what he leads me towards. It is my hope that living in his power and being in obedience to him shall set me up as the candlestick and lead others to his glory.
Christ has come to teach his people himself.
Thanks be to God,
Mel